They say it takes seven falls to make a rider. But there's a lot more to it than that. Check out this humorous list of 10 simple exercises that will help you become a better equestrian.
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot.. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is ..."
1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.
Horse Seller’s Terms
Excellent temperament = Never been out of his field.
In-hand prospect = Bred for beauty, not brains.
Showjumping prospect = Looks superb jumping the gate out of his field.
Eventing prospect = Big, fast horse.
Dressage prospect = Big, slow horse.
Endurance prospect = Fast horse that will turn sometimes.
Games prospect = Fast horse that will turn when you least expect it.
Lots of potential = Under the right circumstances, you might be able to ride him.
He will do it all = Bite, kick, buck, rear….
Very brave = Even a whip can’t force him back.
Top bloodlines = He can’t do anything, but that’s fine because some horse 20 generations back did something.
Unregistered = Probably stolen.
Excellent mother = Don’t even think about going near the foal
Can you tell the difference between a horse and a frog? Watch very closely and patience will be worth the wait....
YOU KNOW YOU ARE AT A HORSE SHOW WHEN
You have two small bags packed and your horse has a trunk of clothes and half a pickup load of equipment.
You run a comb through your hair once in a weekend and call it good and then spend 2 hours a day banding your horse's mane and combing out his tail.
Your horse smells better than you.
Your horse dresses better than you.
Your horse eats better than you.
Your horse gets more sleep than you.
People know your horse's name, his parents' names, his show record, etc, but all they know about you is "Aren't you the person who owns (insert your horse's name)?".
You spend hundreds of dollars on shavings, stall rent, entry fees, etc. and then can't decide whether you should buy a large or small lemonade for yourself.
You have a pocket calculator in your back pocket to figure points.
You can sprain your ankle, break 3 fingernails, get a mild concussion, sprain your back, have someone back into your truck, get food poisoning, heatstroke, sunburn, lose your dog, lose your kid, and still call it a successful weekend because your horse won his class.
ARE WE ALL NUTS OR WHAT?????
As our nation's Big 3 auto manufacturers face bankruptcy, we must go back to the old time basics. Americans will soon need to return to the original SUV.
